Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I should have known.

There is clearly no fucking god.


Look, I can accept that I'm weirdly proportioned. But it really fucked me in the ass this time. Had I made the 37" size of the Autumn Rose, the chest area would be baggy. But I made the 35", which fits fine in the chest, and no where else. I have fat arms and a thick midsection. This sweater fits neither. Oh, but the boob area? Fucking perfect. I guess I just need breast implants to make my body proportional and a re-knit in a larger size...

...over my dead body.


God damn motherfucking cuntlicking COCKSUCKER.

I guess I really need to drop a bunch of weight to wear this. All that work! A month of monogamous knitting! Do I even bother with the neck ribbing and weaving in the 7,000 ends?

WHAT THE FUCK? Those motifs are circles, not ovals! AUGH! I had no idea I had gotten so fat.

Time to get drunk and cry. Whoever said knitting is relaxing needs to go jump off a fucking cliff.


Rose Red said...


Bells said...

Honey don't bother. Bin it. Or at least put in the back of very, very deep, dark cupboard. It's not worth it.

And have a drink for me while you're at it. Let's talk knitting pain some time.

Bertha said...

And this is why I don't knit myself sweaters...too depressing!

You know what I would do? Cut off the sleeves, sew along the sides, and turn the fucker into a throw pillow. It's too much work (and too beautiful) to frog, but having it languish in the back of your closet in the hopes of losing weight will make you feel like shit (ask me how I know).

Such a bummer! (but yes, try blocking first if you haven't already!)

Amanda said...

Oh Amy.. I'm so sorry that you're not happy with the steeking.

Maybe let it rest awhile before you make a big decision about its future? Right now you're too emotionally invested.

Sway Knits said...

Oh, but it's such a beautiful sweater! You should do a temporary bind off, leave it until you can look at it again and then block the heck out of it to see if you can stretch out parts of the sweater. What yarn/colors did you use?

PrincessPea said...

NO-ONE except you knows they're meant to be circles. BLOCK THE FUCK out of it. It will be fine and it will look gorgeous and you will look lovely in it.

meg_knits said...

Oh Honey. I am sorry. I will totally have a beer with you now that I am off the antibiotics!

And, let me suggest that:

1. gently put the sweater away, carefully and lovingly contained in a ziplock bag. Put your extra yarn in there, and any notes you made.

2. start walking with me a few times a week? I have 20+lbs to lose and would love to have company!

I hope you haven't done anything drastic yet! Much love!

robyn said...

i say ...

lots of tears.
maybe some blocking.

damn the boobs.
love the boobs.

hate the pattern.
love the pattern.

and then more beer.

The Litter Box House said...

Would it make you mad if I told you I'm laughing right now after reading this post?

Would it help if I told you I just finished a shrug that will only fit me if I squeeze my shoulder blades together really tightly?

Cinnamonamon said...

First, let me say that you swear as well as my fav older sister... ;)

Then I would suggest copious amounts of alcohol with corresponding high-calorie treat. My current favorite is the new double (80?) proof kaluha with a big bowl of ice cream.

Put that beautiful piece of knitting away & decide what to do with it when you don't want to rip it into tiny bits or feed it into the shredder.

...anytime you want to talk mis-shapen body parts, come see me -- I was asked (repeatedly) if I could magically get my breasts to raise to the "proper place" in the bridesmaid's dress I had my final fitting on today. Ugh.

Sharon said...

Oh. Dear. I completely understand. But I too say take a step back and breathe. Don't make any immediate decisions. Put the sweater in time-out, and start something small, fast, and guaranteed perfect like a felted bag or socks, or whatever. Get some distance, and then ponder your options. Oh! I just had a brainstorm. What about finishing it, steeking down the front, adding button bands, and turning it into a cardigan?

Laiane said...

I second Sharon's suggestion about turning it into a cardigan, and if that doesn't work, the throw pillow Bertha suggested. Your colorwork is just too pretty to be hidden in the closet in a Ziploc bag!

Erica said...

"Time to get drunk and cry. Whoever said knitting is relaxing needs to go jump off a fucking cliff."

Word. I have the same problem with sweaters. Fucking blows.

~Erica aka crazylilknitta (Bad Knit Girls)

KnittyBitch said...

the only suggestion i can think of is total and complete inebriation, followed by making good use out of it, and wearing it as a cape...capes don't care what size your boobs are, or whether they are proportionate to the rest of your body.